Many of us listen to sermons and read articles about how to live a more righteous life, but what about those of us who aren’t sure that’s what we want? Where are the self-help books or devotionals for us? What follows are the best ways I know of to help you move further from God every day.

1. Be unbelievably busy Fill every spare moment of your life with work and diversion until your overtaxed mental circuits can’t think about anything besides just keeping your head above water. Don’t slow down or give space for mental reflection, or you may need to face some uncomfortable truths about your life. Personal quiet time and worship? Going to a service that’s not on a Sunday morning? Who has time for those?! People with nothing to do?
2. Don’t ever be bored If some free moments do manage to make it through the onslaught of work and pleasure seeking, then make sure you don’t let them survive. If you have more than five spare seconds while waiting in the checkout line, pull out your phone to make sure that your mind doesn’t have time to be bored or to wander onto less traveled paths.
3. Make it about the money Money is something we need to survive, and so it stands to reason that the more of it we have, the better off we are. Work as many hours as you possibly can—if necessary, work several jobs. You’ve worked hard to make your money, so be careful to not give any of it away. If others want or need money, they need to work for it themselves, just like you have. Cut hard deals to help you make more money. If people accept your deals, then they are just stupid and deserve to be fleeced, or they have more money than they need, and it should be in your pocket instead.
4. Make it about yourself Be sure that you don’t make any decisions where you put the desires and needs of others ahead of yourself. You need to take care of yourself, who will if you don’t? Make sure you don’t waste too much time working for others without pay or doing chores around the house that you don’t need to do. You work crazy hours to provide for your family, your wife should take care of everything else. Don’t let others’ needs get in the way of your work, or your hobbies, if you have time for any.
5. Don’t deny the flesh Whatever you want, go for it. Whether it be food, entertainment, or sensuality, reach for whatever you desire. Life is short, and we all deserve to indulge ourselves now and then. Live solely for the present, and don’t think about the consequences of gratifying your flesh.
6. Be self-sufficient All this talk about relying on God, that’s for those who aren’t competent enough to take care of things themselves. Make sure you can deal with everything that comes along. Have enough financial, food, and ammo reserves to get through any apocalypse, whether it’s caused by nuclear war, a global pandemic, or the breaking of the third seal.
7. Don’t forgive If anyone has the audacity to make a mistake or do anything that annoys you, then it’s your job to remind them about it regularly. How else will they know what they did and how to not do it again? Forgiveness is for those who don’t have a backbone to stand up for themselves.
8. Don’t be humble What really matters is the truth. People need to know what’s true, even if they would rather not hear it. God has blessed you with clear mind and right thinking, and it’s your life’s burden to tell others what they are doing wrong. If anyone approaches you, then it’s clear they are the wrong one because anything you say or do cannot be wrong.
9. Don’t love In 1 John 4:16 we read that God is love. If God is love and your goal is to move further from God, then it logically follows that you should try not to be a person of love. Sacrifice, service, humility, patience, esteeming others better than yourself—those are not the way to get where you want to be. Instead of reading 1 Corinthians 13 as a manual for how to act, do the inverse to achieve your goals.

So there you have it, nine ways to not be a better Christian. Follow what I’ve outlined, and I’m positive you’ll be successful. Who would have thought it could be so easy!